Mom Guilt

My first inclination is to apologize for letting so much time elapse since I last blogged. Is it a personal problem or a female inclination to battle with guilt as a dominant paradigm? The truth is that I haven't been skipping blog time to get pedicures or take long, luxurious naps. I've been working somewhere from 65-95 hours a week. While I'm not in the office I'm catching up on the things that fell through the cracks while I was away from home... in fact, after my insano 95 hour week (there was only one) I took a "day off," but rather than sleeping did 4 loads of laundry, took out 3 bags of trash, organized the DVDs that were adorning our house caseless like sequins on a prom dress. I had the cleaning lady come and the nursery furniture delivered. I took the summer clothes out of my closet and busted out the winter clothing that might stretch over a pregnant tummy. You get the idea. It was anything, but restful... yet infinitely relaxing because things were getting crossed off my ever-growing personal to-do list that keep me up at night. It was trading one kind of exhaustion for another. And yet I'm keenly aware this is nothing on diapers and breast-feeding. Motherhood will be a whole new bag.

All that is to say that I suppose I shouldn't apologize or make excuses for why it's been so long since I blogged (though that's exactly what I just did). I've been keeping a list of things I wanted to blog about when time allowed... Millenial moms... when to tell your colleagues and your clients that you're expecting... and finally Dog Vs. Baby, all of which are things I plan to write about in the near future. 

But instead, since I'm just breaking back into this, I thought I'd share an article I read recently. I came across a Working Mother Magazine (www.workingmother.com) from October 2007 while sitting in a waiting room for the doctor this week (time to get some newer magazines Dr. Wiles!). There was one article there about guilt that really resonated. A few excerpts I thought were worth sharing.

"My default setting is guilt. It's the fodder for my before-sleep meditations and my prayers upon waking. The initial pangs struck during my first pregnancy. Gestating a human while working in television production nearly took me down. I spent much of the early part of my pregnancy in the women's room vomiting. Then I would sit in meetings while interplanetarily traveling to my uncertain future as a mother. Was it a boy or a girl - or worse, something unrecognizable? Was I up for the task of motherhood? Was there anything in the office fridge I could scarf down when this meeting adjourned? Sure, other pregnant women did better than i did, I supposed, and that just compounded my guilt of neither working to my maximum capabilities nor conducting a perfect pregnancy."

Man can I relate to that. Who knows. Maybe retrospect will show that no balls seemed to drop (besides the lack of personal care like make-up application and blow-drying my hair). Maybe my boss and colleagues think I'm doing it all. All I know is that the part of me that used to work at home til midnight when necessary conks out around 10:30p and my "no caffeine while pregnant" rule gave way to a two-a-day policy when I found that my will power was no match for pregnancy fatigue. Just like the author, I'm neither the perfect worker (which I don't mention to my colleagues for fear that they'll feel slighted) nor the perfect mom-to-be (which I don't mention to my mom-girlfriends, most of whom don't work). No one said being a working mom (or mom-to-be) would be easy!

Think it'll get better after baby gets here? Probably not...

"Five years and three babies later, most working moms I speak to feel as guilty as I continue to. It's still a struggle. There are never enough hours in the day, and the ancient battle of 'when I'm at work I think I should be at home, and when I'm at home I think I should be at work' rages on. But we can't be everything to everyone at the same time. We can be great moms on some days and great employees on many days, just not every single day. We're clearly more productive and successful than ever before, so repeat after me: I will get over the guilt. Its not just about making a living. It's about making a life. It's time for us to count our blessings, not just tally up our shortcomings. Otherwise, we'll miss the fruit of our labors."

Looks like there's a lot to figure out in time. Stay tuned!