Breastpumps... life savers or torture devices?

I confess... I'm kind of grossed out by the idea of breast feeding. In fact, I'm probably more intimidated at the thought of breast feeding than I am of the delivery itself. I'll be drugged for the actual delivery and if I'm lucky it'll be morphine fogged one time event, verses a daily experience. And from what I've heard, it hurts.

That said, I fully intend to do it. I wish I could say I plan to breast feed because it's the right thing to do... or because it's better for the baby nutritionally... or because it will facilitate bonding. Nope. I'm going to breast feed because it saves money and burns like 600 calories a day. 600 calories! Done and done. 

Not that I'm looking forward to it. I've been trying not to think about it... until I went to register the other day. I started by just registering for things I wanted - like nursery or a bugaboo. But in browsing the list I stumbled across a breast pump and realized that it was going to have a big part of my future (shudder). So it's there... and God they're expensive. (I'll take this moment to note that I don't think it's expensive when people spend $900 on a stroller that looks good and is exciting, but the thought of spending a third of that on a breast pump is utterly depressing to me.)

All this is preface to an email I got from a friend today, which only confirmed my worst weirded-out fears. But at least it made me laugh.

"Believe me, we didn't know what the heck we were doing when we first registered and I only learned the crucial items at 12am, when I didn't have it. Like when I had to send Todd on an emergency trip to Target to get a breast pump because my boobs wouldn't turn off and I thought the earth was going to flood again, this time with breast milk..."

So that's what I have to look forward to.

yaaaaaaaaaaay....

Designing the perfect baby lair...

Avery's nursery has literally been keeping me up at night. Granted, this has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a rabid design junkie. I spent the first five months of my pregnancy scouring sites like modernnursery.com, fawnandforest.com, 2modern.com, etc. Plus the more traditional favorites like potterybarnkids.com and landofnod.com. After 16 weeks of gestating (and obsessing about the nursery) I came to the conclusion that I could never take a design out of a url and put it in my house. I needed to design something custom for our girl that would be unlike anything else I'd seen. 

This led to phase two of my search: choosing a color palette and furniture. To be followed by phase three (which I'm in now): choosing the art and details to pull it all together. Clearly, I'm not there yet. But I'll tell you how far I've gotten so far. The color palette is as follows:

Brown

Lime

White

Lavender

Namely, the walls are lavender. The furniture is mahogany and the bedding will be simple, brown and white. Decorative accents (like the lamp below) will serve as pops of lime to accent. Below I've included the furniture, including the rocker and the upholstery we're having it covered in. Next step is art, so stay tuned.

(*note, the bedding pictured on the crib is not what we're going with. no pink, not even a little:-)

The law of averages...

(Note: Doug and I were Juno and Paulie Bleaker for Halloween this year. Felt right.)

I've never been someone who considers myself average. For better or for worse, I've always thought that there are some things that I'm better at than most (vocabulary, for example) and some things I'm worse at than most (like restraint). I found a career I love at a relatively young age (above average), but am terribly undisciplined (below average). And while not ideal, this life of extremes has always worked quite well for me (though not always for my wallet or my waistline).

So imagine my surprise to find out that when it comes to first time motherhood, I am, in fact, the portrait of average. 

As I posted when I first learned I was expecting, I feel entirely too young to have a baby. I realize rationally that that's probably not entirely true - but we certainly seem young. We've only been married for two years and we're not all that responsible. After all, Doug still can't remember to return videos to blockbuster and I generally do laundry when we've run out of clean underwear. We eat meals at home approximately twice a month - not exactly the portrait of stable family life. When I first told my best friend I was expecting, I felt a little bit like Juno calling her BFF on her hamburger phone.  

Six months later I've gotten used to the idea, settled into making plans and gotten really excited about meeting this amazing little girl. Still, as I clumsily plod along the road to parenthood, not much about it seems average. (Besides the pregnancy, which has gone like clockwork, thank God.) So imagine my surprise to learn...

• The average of a 1st time American mom is 27.
  
• The average mom expects to have 2.7 kids.*
  
• The average couple spends over $13k on baby during the first year... lets just say that we're well on our way.
  
• The average new mom plans for a babymoon and a push present (check, check).
• The average new mom (or at least the majority) plans to work after having kids.

* Note that I'm rooting for 3 kids and Doug wants 2. I'm a little more persuasive than he is, so I'm guessing 2.7 bambinos is the average we're leaning towards at the moment.

So in fact, I'm not so special and not so unique after all. Not quite sure whether I should find that comforting or frightening. Maybe everyone goes through a freaked out cycle of 'am I really capable of doing this well?' before baby is born. Maybe no one feels adequate, or old enough. Maybe.

Since I've been a super slacker mom... our girl's first pix.

Avery Grace Paul 

at 9 weeks...

at 13 weeks...

also at 13 weeks... 

(this one in a frame since it was the first time we could see her little face)

at 22 weeks...

Mom idols...

In generations past (I've heard) that women sought to do everything they way their mothers did. If she cooked, you would cook. If she upheld tradition, you upheld tradition. Who knows to what extent this is true (part of me feels like every generation of daughters has reinvented motherhood in new and interesting ways), but I feel like we're more apt to break with our own mothers' ways of doing things than in generations past. 

So much of what I read about Millennial moms deals with the idea of blending everything... time (work life and home life are blurred), roles (egalitarianism has shaken up who does what and who stays home) and anything else you can imagine to create a unique system that is workable, livable and happy for you. No more cookie cutters, no more mom haircuts. At least that's what I like to think. 

Because of this blending, one is constantly pulling for an array of sources for inspiration. No longer looking for archetypes (do I want to be a June Cleaver mom or a Betty Draper mom?), icons and idols of "successful" motherhood can come from all over the place. And given the fact that God gives you ten months to ponder what kind of mom you're going to be (and then a lifetime of abandoning those ideals for reality), I've been thinking a lot about my mom idols of late. Who are the women who really inspire me in their approach to parenting and life? Who has tricks and tips I plan to steal from when our little one arrives on the scene? So I thought I'd take a moment to share them with you (in no particular order). This is by no means a complete list (after all, I admire so many women), but does capture some must-have traits I pray I can emulate. (Also prepare for some of these to be entirely shallow.)

- Tiny Fey. Isn't she everyone's girl crush? I had this Amex print ad of her and her daughter hanging above my desk long before I knew I was expecting a girl of my own. Tina Fey makes my list because she's wicked smart, embraces her inner nerd, seems fabulously comfortable in her own skin (has made a career of playing herself), supports other women ("Bitch is the new black") - and embraces the chaos required to make an ambitious life work. She was once quoted as saying, "being a working mom is about is about thinking ' this is impossible' and then doing it anyway." She's also not afraid to take a self-deprecating approach to her own imperfections as a person and a parent. I'm sure there are people who judged her for saying that she went back to work at NBC three weeks after having Alice because they had her under contract while she and the baby had a verbal agreement. I thought it was funny.

- Kristen Cavallo. I worked for Kristen for two years and in that time learned more by watching her than I did in four years of college. Besides being incredibly smart and talented, she taught me that being an indispensable asset to your company doesn't mean compromising your family. I know few working moms who are as tapped in and involved with their kids as she is. The woman knows about every upcoming test and paper, every aspiration and adventure her kids have. She takes the time to ask them thoughtful questions. She really listens to (and cares about) their answers. She's developed a system (with the help of family of course) that allows her to do both well in a way that few people do. Also, her enthusiasm about her kids - and the way that she respects and cultivates their individual personalities is incredible to me. If I can be half as good a mom as Kristen, my child will be a very lucky girl.

- Katherine Wintsch. Clearly, I've been fortunate in having the opportunity to work for incredible women. I've been on Katherine's team for (approaching) two years now, and last year she had a baby named Layla. I had no idea what motherhood would look like for Katherine. I watched in eager anticipation to see how she made it work. One thing that's important to note about Katherine is that she cares about people more than just about anyone I know. She's a rare hybrid of machine-like productivity and an unmatched warmth. I didn't know how it would be humanly possibly for her to accomplish as much with a baby at home as she did before. Would things grind to a halt? Would Layla come hang out in the office until midnight? Again (like so many women I admire), Katherine did a little shifting and adjusting - came in a little later so the au pair was within her hours, worked from home a few more evenings. And I'm sure it's been impossible, but a year later Katherine is kicking more tail at work with the happiest and healthiest little girl you've ever seen. Like Kristen, she's shown me that you can be an incredibly loving mom and a superstar.

- Kim Wyngaard. Kim is a stay-at-home mom with four kids. She has chaos management down to both art and science. All four of them are spirited and overflowing with joy. You can tell that their worlds are characterized by adventure and love. No small task for Kim (and her husband) to pull off, I assure you. She gives herself to them entirely, is an incredible wife and seems to enjoy all of it. She's that rare person who seems genuinely happy with her choices and (like my other heroes) has customized a system that works well for her and her family without being dogmatic about the way the rest of the world should run. At the same time, she started a business with a friend last year (which is booming), is an incredible friend and is always ready to help the people around her.   

 

I have in mind several other women to write about (including Aubrey Kleinfeld and Patty Wyngaard), but it occurs to me that this is already world's longest post - so I will write about them (and their many virtues) another day. In the mean time, I see some themes emerging in my choices. Clearly I admire women who sleep little, accomplish much, and manage to make 24 hour work like 32. Not that I'm setting myself up for failure or anything...:-) For now I'll say that I'm fortunate to have them as lightposts and examples for the way life can work. I have much to be inspired by.

Babby baggin it is cooler than it seems.

Truly random. It turns out we're a Fleurville family. Upon first "popping" Doug and I visited It's Hip to be Round (www.itshiptoberound.com), a fabulous maternity store in Carytown (www.carytown.org). Brilliantly, they have a "man room" where expectant fathers can escape racks of designer denim with stretchy waists for a bit of solitude, soda and of course, sports. This means less whining (and fewer opinions on the price of those True Religion maternity jeans) from the dad upstairs. Genius.

What's also genius, is their tasteful placement of products for men in their little retreat. T-shirts that say "my boys can swim" and of course the dude diaper bag (referenced in my last post). We have a good friend who dutifully carries his daughter's diaper bag around - one obviously picked by mom - lime green and bright blue with a nice girly print. Doug was a little more resistant to that set up. So imagine his delight to find a cool gray bag with testosterone written all over bottle pouch. It's by Fleurville, who touts "essential designs for modern parenting."

Imagine my surprise, when a few weeks later my good friend Kristen sends me this email: "Go to http://fleurville.com and pick your baby bag. It's a gift from me and KW." Never having perused their non-dude products, I had no idea what was in store. Not only are the bags carried by celebs like Heidi Klum, they're created with environmentally friendly materials, but their super cute printed fabrics resist moisture and UV rays. Super. Anyway, I picked mine out (after a friend advised me that the diaper bag should ideally match the stroller) and it's pictured above.

GET EXCITED!!!!:-) 

When you know your husband is on board...

I'll admit it. For months now, I've been giving Doug a hard time. The physical effects of pregnancy let me know quite early that this baby was for real... constant exhaustion, motion sickness day in and day out... even before my pants didn't fit, I was well aware that we were on the baby train. But for Doug, all he knew was the his normal looking wife was unhappy with him. When I compared him to Seth Rogan in Knocked Up for shirking on reading the baby books (The Expectant Father has been sitting in our garage for weeks. I'm almost six months pregnant and he's read one chapter - month four) - he scoffed. I was quite adamant that he wasn't stepping up (to be fair, he would strongly disagree with this assessment). After all, he wasn't feeling sick, he wasn't making (and rescheduling) the appointments... or studying up on which mattresses were safest... or learning about cord blood banking. All of the sudden this egalitarian relationship wasn't feeling so equal. And to him, all of the sudden, his wife was overreacting (an assessment I'd disagree with - See? We're even:-). 

But recently, I was convicted of the fact that I've probably been too hard on him. And that he's more on board than I would have guessed. His mom emailed both of us a few days ago to ask for our Christmas list. She's always ahead of the game and is assembling a master list to send to everyone in the family. I would have expected Doug to respond about some new album coming out, a jacket he's been eyeing or even some books on his wish list, but no. What did this dad-to-be say he wanted for Christmas?

"... I really want one of those diaper bags especially for guys... and one of those things that let's you strap the baby on the front..." 

That's all he asked for. No X Box, no gift cards, just baby accessories. In contrast this selfish mommy was thinking a necklace from Tiffany's and an Anthropologie gift card for when I find my way back into normal sized clothes. 

The next day he spent his day off priming and painting the nursery and putting the crib together. I guess I hadn't been giving him enough credit after all... 

Legit Mommy Blogger

Last week, I attended the Marketing to Moms conference in Chicago (remind me to tell you later about meeting Donnie Walburg, my first tween crush outside the Hard Rock Hotel). 

One of the panels was on Mommy Bloggers and one of the speakers was the brilliant mind behind blogs like Mom 101 (www.mom-101.blogspot.com) and Cool Mom Picks (www.coolmompicks.com). She totally inspired me to take my blog a tinge more seriously, so I registered with Technoratti this morning. We'll see how it goes!

Dog vs. Baby

Maybe I shouldn't say 'versus.' I should just say that we have a dog. Well, a puppy really, named Chandler. He's a one-year-old, very needy, exceptionally energetic weimaraner who gets very very upset, anxious and loud when he perceives there to be a party going on that he is not invited to. The vet says that he'll likely calm down in another year or so, but in the mean time his daily rituals include running full speed and jumping on whoever is closest to him (he thinks this is hilarious). So imagine my chagrin, when after a year of trying to break the dog of what everyone else thinks is hilarious, I'm home alone one night and he takes a running jump straight at my stomach, knocking me over (btw, this puppy now weighs about 70 pounds and is expected to top off at 90). I can just imagine this happening when I'm holding the baby, only it would end with more Chandler-chasing, yelling and perhaps a tear or two (from both the holder and the baby, now dropped on her head).

Then there's the noise issue. Currently, Chandler is crated at night to keep him out of trouble, in Doug's office at the end of the hall. Since he's got ears like (some animal that has exceptionally good hearing), if you stir in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, or often in my case - get up at 4am to catch an early flight, a series of sounds start coming from his crate to let you know that he knows you're up and expects to be let out and played with immediately. It generally starts with the a loud thumping of his tail against the crate, happily wagging at the thought of 4am play time. And it's followed by barking, crying and the most torturous wailing you've ever heard if he's not let out shortly. I've seriously wondered if there's some type of angry elf torturing him Guantanamo style before dawn. It's excruciating. 

Now imagine this fun little scenario. Chandler goes to bed at 11pm. Around 1am, baby wakes up and starts crying. We get up to feed her and Chandler hears noise. What does he do? Starts vociferously announcing his presence to all in the house. Eventually, we get the baby back to sleep around 1am, but the dog is now wide awake. If we ignore the noise in hopes of him giving up and going back to bed, he welps and cries until the baby wakes back up again. Baby wakes up Chandler. Chandler wakes up baby. Doug and Elizabeth never sleep. Ever. Again. 

To be clear, we're not contemplating doing away with puppy. But I'm very interested to see how this plays out. I'm already having nightmares. 

Mom Guilt

My first inclination is to apologize for letting so much time elapse since I last blogged. Is it a personal problem or a female inclination to battle with guilt as a dominant paradigm? The truth is that I haven't been skipping blog time to get pedicures or take long, luxurious naps. I've been working somewhere from 65-95 hours a week. While I'm not in the office I'm catching up on the things that fell through the cracks while I was away from home... in fact, after my insano 95 hour week (there was only one) I took a "day off," but rather than sleeping did 4 loads of laundry, took out 3 bags of trash, organized the DVDs that were adorning our house caseless like sequins on a prom dress. I had the cleaning lady come and the nursery furniture delivered. I took the summer clothes out of my closet and busted out the winter clothing that might stretch over a pregnant tummy. You get the idea. It was anything, but restful... yet infinitely relaxing because things were getting crossed off my ever-growing personal to-do list that keep me up at night. It was trading one kind of exhaustion for another. And yet I'm keenly aware this is nothing on diapers and breast-feeding. Motherhood will be a whole new bag.

All that is to say that I suppose I shouldn't apologize or make excuses for why it's been so long since I blogged (though that's exactly what I just did). I've been keeping a list of things I wanted to blog about when time allowed... Millenial moms... when to tell your colleagues and your clients that you're expecting... and finally Dog Vs. Baby, all of which are things I plan to write about in the near future. 

But instead, since I'm just breaking back into this, I thought I'd share an article I read recently. I came across a Working Mother Magazine (www.workingmother.com) from October 2007 while sitting in a waiting room for the doctor this week (time to get some newer magazines Dr. Wiles!). There was one article there about guilt that really resonated. A few excerpts I thought were worth sharing.

"My default setting is guilt. It's the fodder for my before-sleep meditations and my prayers upon waking. The initial pangs struck during my first pregnancy. Gestating a human while working in television production nearly took me down. I spent much of the early part of my pregnancy in the women's room vomiting. Then I would sit in meetings while interplanetarily traveling to my uncertain future as a mother. Was it a boy or a girl - or worse, something unrecognizable? Was I up for the task of motherhood? Was there anything in the office fridge I could scarf down when this meeting adjourned? Sure, other pregnant women did better than i did, I supposed, and that just compounded my guilt of neither working to my maximum capabilities nor conducting a perfect pregnancy."

Man can I relate to that. Who knows. Maybe retrospect will show that no balls seemed to drop (besides the lack of personal care like make-up application and blow-drying my hair). Maybe my boss and colleagues think I'm doing it all. All I know is that the part of me that used to work at home til midnight when necessary conks out around 10:30p and my "no caffeine while pregnant" rule gave way to a two-a-day policy when I found that my will power was no match for pregnancy fatigue. Just like the author, I'm neither the perfect worker (which I don't mention to my colleagues for fear that they'll feel slighted) nor the perfect mom-to-be (which I don't mention to my mom-girlfriends, most of whom don't work). No one said being a working mom (or mom-to-be) would be easy!

Think it'll get better after baby gets here? Probably not...

"Five years and three babies later, most working moms I speak to feel as guilty as I continue to. It's still a struggle. There are never enough hours in the day, and the ancient battle of 'when I'm at work I think I should be at home, and when I'm at home I think I should be at work' rages on. But we can't be everything to everyone at the same time. We can be great moms on some days and great employees on many days, just not every single day. We're clearly more productive and successful than ever before, so repeat after me: I will get over the guilt. Its not just about making a living. It's about making a life. It's time for us to count our blessings, not just tally up our shortcomings. Otherwise, we'll miss the fruit of our labors."

Looks like there's a lot to figure out in time. Stay tuned!